


Write the Words I Can't Speak

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Series: Tumblr Prompts [25]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Feels, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 17:05:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17207435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: Magnus Bane is in love with his roommate. Rather than bottle his feelings up until they explode, Magnus decides to chronicle them in a notebook: a notebook with the sole purpose of writing down every moment he feels overwhelming love for Alexander Gideon Lightwood.





	Write the Words I Can't Speak

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr Prompt: "I never wanted for you to find out like this!" (Maybe friends to boyfriends, make it angsty, you're the angst queen lmao)

Magnus Bane is in love with his roommate. He isn’t sure exactly when it happened, but there’s absolutely no denying it, and if left unchecked he’s positive he’ll do something he’ll regret like admit it _out loud_ and ruin their friendship forever. So rather than bottle his feelings up until they explode, Magnus decides to chronicle them in a notebook: a notebook with the sole purpose of writing down every moment he feels overwhelming love for Alexander Gideon Lightwood. A notebook that is quickly running out of space.

He wonders how he got here, sharing an apartment with the person he loves so much he’d do anything for: anything, including suffering in silence through feelings so intense he’s positive they’ll burn him from the inside out one day.

\---

Their first year as randomly assigned roommates, Magnus wasn’t even sure he liked Alec as a _friend_. Alec always seemed uncomfortable around him, especially at the start of the year, and Magnus often wondered if he was simply a bit too much for the other boy who preferred to stay in or work out during his free time than go out to parties or have anything even vaguely resembling fun.

Back then, Magnus wondered if Alec had a problem with him being bisexual. He kept his relationships out of the dorm as much as possible because whenever Magnus brought dates around Alec either left, or grew very withdrawn. About halfway through their Freshman year he brought it up to Isabelle. Though she was a year younger than them she skipped a grade in High School, and started college at the same time as her older brother. She was around often enough and the two of them got along pretty well - if Alec had a problem with him he thought that Izzy might be the sort of person who would be honest with him. But when he brought it up to her halfway through their freshman year, all she did was laugh.  
  
“Why would Alec have a problem with you being bi when he’s--” but she cut off abruptly and frowned. “Listen, he doesn’t have a problem with that, I promise.”

All that did was leave Magnus with the fear that, if it wasn’t _that_ , it was just something about his personality that Alec hated. He couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something keeping them from being better friends.

Izzy must’ve said something to Alexander, because the next day Alec nervously approached him about it, apologizing profusely for _ever_ giving him the impression that he had a problem with Magnus’ sexuality. He swore up and down that it was nothing like that. In fact, he didn’t have a problem with anything about Magnus. None of that explained the way he acted the first half of the year they were roommates, but ever since they cleared the air that day things between them grew infinitely easier.

Perhaps a bit _too_ easy.

Once Magnus didn’t feel like he had to hide around Alec, once they both relaxed into themselves around one another, they fit together like they were made for one another. It was a gradual shift, from roommates to friends. Magnus spent more nights in watching movies with Alec. Alec occasionally went out with him to a party now and again, especially when their friend Simon’s band played.

The summer after that first year, Magnus missed seeing Alec every day much more than he thought he would. They would text pretty regularly, and FaceTime at least once a week, but it never felt like enough. When they came back Sophomore year they were inseparable, the transition from friends to _best_ friends undeniable. Once or twice Magnus thought he caught something there between them - something _more_. A look, a lingering touch, usually at a party after a few drinks or during walks home from downtown on the weekends. But it always ended with Alec quickly saying something to fill the silence or physically distancing himself, and Magnus could take a hint. It was just a silly crush, he told himself. He’d get over it.

Except he didn’t. He dated on and off, but none of them were the person he wanted to spend his time with the most. Most of the relationships didn’t last very long, and even more didn’t manage to reach the ‘relationship’ stage at all, stuck on one night stands or friends-with-benefits. His best friend held his heart, and once Magnus found he couldn’t deny that simple fact to himself any longer he almost told him on more than one occasion. He almost ruined _everything_ too many times to be comfortable with.

That’s when he got the idea for the notebook. It remained unmarked, and he strategically left the first handful of pages blank. He made the first entry their sophomore year while Alec slept in his twin bed, legs hanging over the edge, mere feet away from where Magnus sat at his standard-issue wooden desk and began to write.  
  
  
_1\. I cannot believe how adorable his snoring is. I almost can’t fall asleep without it anymore._

  1. _He looks so peaceful like this, and I hope he could feel this sort of serenity for the rest of his life._



 

He closed the notebook quickly and tucked it under several others in his desk drawer, not knowing then how many times he’d revisit it in the months to follow.

Over the summer after Sophomore year Alec came out to him as gay. Besides his sister, Magnus is the only other person he told, doing so over a tearful phone call at 1 am one night. Magnus got in his car and drove the 6 hours between them through the night just to talk in person about it. A selfish part of him hoped that maybe this changed things - that perhaps this gave him the sort of chance with Alec that he stopped hoping for long ago. But a well-meant “I don’t know what I’d do without a friend like you through all of this” brought him crashing back to reality.

Alec needed him as a friend. As a confidant. As support. And if Magnus tried to make a move and ruined that friendship, he’d never forgive himself. The moment he arrived home after the 6 hour drive back he added pages of new entries to his Alec Notebook, starting with:

 

  1. _He’s so strong, and so much braver than he gives himself credit for. He could take on the world if he only believed in himself half as much as I believe in him._
  2. _I wish he could see himself the way I see him. I wish he knew the way he lights up the world around him with just a smile, or a kind word. He deserves to know. I wish I could tell him._



 

There were smudges on some of the pages from the occasional stray teardrop, and more and more often Magnus stopped to wonder if this was hurting him more than helping.

And when he fell asleep every night for the rest of that summer, he imagined himself drifting off to the sound of Alec’s snores.

\---

Alright, Magnus thinks, so perhaps he knows exactly how he got here. Now that they’re in their Junior year he and Alec share an off-campus apartment. Magnus already knows he’ll miss the sound of Alec’s snores from their shared room, as the apartment has two bedrooms, one for each of them. It also has a proper kitchen and not just a microwave in a dorm. They’re celebrating this by cooking a full three-course meal now that everything is moved in and unpacked, except Alec somehow manages to get more food on himself than in the mixing bowl.

Magnus laughs as he reaches up to pull a stray sprig of parsley from his hair, and their eyes lock as Magnus’ fingers catch in the slight curls. Magnus freezes, the smile straining on his face but not leaving, even as he watches Alec’s laugh drop into a look of mild mortification before he can control it to something more neutral. Magnus keeps the smile on his face as he excuses himself to the bathroom, allowing his heart to break in private for a minute or two before having to face Alec again. When he comes back out the mood shifts, and it’s all his fault. He can barely enjoy their dinner full of small talk about classes and the goddamn _weather_.

He needs to stop this.

Magnus withdraws, trying not to show any unnecessarily affection towards Alec so that he won’t notice again. If he can’t stop the feelings he can at least be less obvious about them. Except Alec notices _that_ , and one day while Magnus is going out of his way to avoid him (because he’s growing stubble now and it’s so _goddamn attractive_ when he smiles and the hairs pull around the curve of his lips and--) Alec asks him what he did to make him mad at him.

“Nothing,” Magnus says. “I’m not mad at you.” He sighs, muttering under his breath as he walks away. “I could never be mad at you. That’s the problem.”

But after that Alec pulls away, too. They have their moments, and they’re never unfriendly towards one another, but something changes after that first night. In the weeks that follow it feels like every time Magnus is home, Alec has somewhere to be. Classes. Work. Nights spent over at Izzy’s. He doesn’t fault him for any of it - all it took was one slip-up to ruin everything and he only has himself to blame.

They’re a month into the semester when Magnus gets a call on his way home from class.

“Magnus? So, uh, good news and bad news. Bad news, a pipe burst on the floor above us. Good news, we’re covered to replace anything damaged. But I think a lot of your books got damaged, the worst of the leak was in your room.”

“Of course it was.”

“I”m going to see what I can salvage - I know you hand-write all your notes in class. Hopefully some of them are still readable.”

Magnus can tell from the tone of Alec’s voice that it’s probably a lost cause, but he’s trying. “Thanks. I’ll be back in a few to help.”

It isn’t until he hangs up and walks another two blocks that the realization hits him that Alec is about to go through his desk.

His _notebooks_.

He tries to call him back but there’s no answer. Magnus breaks into a run, sprinting the rest of the way back to the apartment as fast as he can.

It isn’t fast enough.

Magnus freezes in the doorway of his room at the sight of Alec, sitting in the middle of a pile of water damaged books and papers, with a notebook in his hands. _The_ notebook. When Alec looks up his eyes are wide, and a look of guilt passes over his features immediately.

“I didn’t mean to-- I was just seeing what wasn’t too damaged to still read, and-”

“Fuck.”

“Magnus, I-”

“Fuck!” Magnus feels like his entire world is crumbling around him. “I never wanted for you to find out like this!” His voice is shaking. “I never wanted you to find out at all. That was the whole fucking point.”

“It’s fine! Magnus, listen-”

“It isn’t fine. I’m so sorry, Alexander.” Even as he says it he’s backing out of the room. He can’t be here. He can’t do this. “I’m sorry.” He repeats before turning and leaving the apartment just as quickly as he ran in.  

Magnus ignores his phone when it rings in his pocket, as well as the subsequent buzzing of several text messages. He makes it three blocks before Alec catches up to him.

“Magnus, _stop_. Please.”

Magnus stops walking, but he doesn’t turn around. It doesn’t matter, because when Alec catches up to him he circles around to face him.

“That notebook… those weren’t all about…”

“You’re really going to make me say it, aren’t you? Yes. They were about you. They were all about you. I thought if I wrote it all down I wouldn’t do something stupid like say any of it out loud, or want to sit too close when we watch movies, or-”

“-almost stop to play with my hair while we cook?” Alec finishes for him.  

Magnus winces. “You trusted me to be there for you as a friend. Now I ruined it.”

Alec falls quiet, before offering slowly: “...and what if I want you here as more than a friend?”

“What?”  
  
“I don’t have anything quite as impressive as a notebook full of reasons I like you, but I’m sure I could if you give me a few days. I’m a fast writer.”

“Alec, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I like you, too. I was trying to say that back in the comfort of our apartment instead of out on the street in front of a bunch of strangers, but you really didn’t leave me a lot of options.” Alec glances around them but remains resolved.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Magnus can’t quite believe this is actually happening.

“Why didn’t you?” Alec counters.

They both fall silent at that. After a few moments the nervousness fades, replaced by the start of a smile on Alec’s face that Magnus mirrors, heartbeat pounding in his chest.

“So now what?” Magnus asks once he trusts his voice again.

“First we should probably deal with the water damage,” Alec reluctantly suggests. “But then dinner… maybe a movie?”

Magnus imagines all the times he wanted to curl up on the sofa around Alec, sharing popcorn under a blanket. He imagines dinner at their table with a candle lit between glasses of wine. He imagines everything he tried so hard to keep himself from wanting the past two years, all suddenly within his reach.

“I’d like that.”  
  
Alec laces their fingers together as they turn to head back to the apartment - back _home_. And just maybe, Magnus continues to hope, he might get to fall asleep to the sound of Alec’s snores again sometime soon.

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr! ](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com))


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